Monday, September 20

Christine Frances

That was my mom's name. Most people called her "Chris." A few called her "oops" because she was clumsy. She was pretty, and fragile, and child-like. She almost never raised her voice. She loved yellow roses and daffodils, and as a grown woman she still slept with stuffed animals on her bed...a stuffed French Poodle named "Fifi La Femme" and a bear named "Peebs."

I miss my mom.

I always miss her, but lately it's been stuck in the forefront of my mind that I'm motherless. Being without a mother can be an incredibly lonely feeling. My mom's last heartbeat occurred on September 25, 2003 -- but most of her had died long before. Despite that being the case, her absence has been much more difficult than I'd ever imagined.
Death is so final to those of us still in this mortal existence. My belief is that I will see her again in another world -- but that's such a misty unknown here in the tangible realm.
When she was here, even if it were merely in a semi-existing manner, there was always hope. Hope that "this time" she would not leave...she would not abuse drugs...she would not try to kill herself...hope that maybe tomorrow she'd have a light in her eyes instead of that painful, lost child expression.

Publius Terentius Afer (195/185–159 BC) said, "While there's life, there's hope."

Not long before my mom died, I'd forbidden her from spending unsupervised time with my son. I told her she had to make a choice between us and the drugs -- and then I added that she needed to "get busy living or get busy dying." I actually said, "If you're going to continue on this path, please just get it over with instead of committing this slow, drawn out suicide that we all have to stand by and witness."

Obviously, I have some guilt over these words. I hope she knows I'm sorry for saying that.

I hope that she's with the Lord -- and I hope she can see that I've tried to do good, and to learn from her mistakes. I hope she knows she is missed, and that we all wish things could have been different. I've spent countless hours going over what I could have said or done to "fix" her. Everything is clearer in hindsight.

While there is life, there is hope. So for now, I have hope for the life I still have here, and hope that one day I will see her again.


Corine said...

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. How strong these experiences must have made you! I'm sure your mother is very proud of you. You need to forgive yourself for mistakes you have made. You also need to know that sometimes we do the right thing, even when it may seem wrong. No one can say for sure what would you could or should have done. No one knows your mother like the Lord does. And she is with Him now, so that is all that matters.

Live with hope that good things come from all your honorable efforts. Live with hope that you will see her again; I know you will! :D

PS You are wonderful!

Yenta Mary said...

First of all, your mom's name is beautiful ... :) But secondly, you can't chastise yourself for those words -- they were very true, and showed how agonizing it was for you to watch what truly was a slow and painful death. So, tragic as it was, perhaps -- given how your mom struggled -- it was merciful for her to find peace at last ...?

Anonymous said...

You do know that it wasn't up to YOU to fix your mom, right? She chose her path, independent of anything you could say or do.

Of all the people we forgive, it seems that forgiving ourselves is the hardest to do. Try tho - as much as the loss of your mom hurts, it wasn't your fault.

StarTraci said...

I am sure that she is with God and the healthy, loving part of her in life is her full self in Heaven. And that healthy self knows why you said what you said. Because your number one job as a mom is to protect your child. And even if she wasn't able to see that in life, I am sure that she does now. I am sorry for your loss. But while time does not heal all wounds, God does. Please be kind to yourself. I am sure that your mother would want that for you.

God bless,

Anonymous said...

I know it's hard not having your mom here, but maybe it's best since she was in pain and clouded in confusion. We all live in hope of a better tomorrow and we need to draw strength from that. The ONLY thing we can do in any situation is "the best we can" - so I don't think you should beat yourself up about anything. Grown people make their choices and for every choice there are consequences. It's just that we don't or can't stop loving them. Hope tomorrow is better for you.

Karen Mortensen said...

I like what everyone has said. I wish I could be as eloquent. Don't beat yourself up over what you said. Sometimes harsh things need to be said. She made her own choices and with those choices comes consequences. At least God will be her judge because He knows the whole story. Everything will work out in the end. Continue living your life the way you are. You are truly one awesome woman.

Clara said...

Oh my, such heartfelt words. I lost my Mom to Alzheimer's in 2007 and miss her everyday. She shaped me in more ways than I can believe even though I did not realize that till recently. The fact that you talk about her and recall her love and little things about her personality can assure you she was aware of your true feelings for her.

Anonymous said...

This is my first visit to your Blog. I enjoyed this post, as it obviously came from your heart. My mother also abused drugs (the prescription kind) and beer. Most of my memories growing up are of her being drunk and "fried". She died at age 52 with dementia. The doctors never specified what type, but my sister and I are sure it was brought on earlier in life because of her alcohol/drug abuse.
It was a merciful death, although I was still sad, but relieved. I said some awful things to her before she lost her faculties, and I had to forgive myself. It took awhile. She died 19 years ago, and a lot of the bad memories have faded, leaving more room for the few good memories I have of her.
Just wanted to share..........
Thanks for your post. I look forward to returning for more.

Kat's Out o'the Bag said...

I know I am late to reading and commenting on this but I just wanted to reach out to you as Christmas of 2010 becomes just a memory.

Just know that you are a wonderful, strong, and courageous woman.


I love you.

WheelchairDecor said...

I knew we were kindred spirits. My mom died just a few days after yours. (My Dad died the same day as my Mom). You can read my post on under the 'My Family' tab.
My sisters and I get together each September for 2 days to celebrate life and our parents...wish you could come and join us!
Becky Jane