Monday, September 20
That was my mom's name. Most people called her "Chris." A few called her "oops" because she was clumsy. She was pretty, and fragile, and child-like. She almost never raised her voice. She loved yellow roses and daffodils, and as a grown woman she still slept with stuffed animals on her bed...a stuffed French Poodle named "Fifi La Femme" and a bear named "Peebs."
I miss my mom.
I always miss her, but lately it's been stuck in the forefront of my mind that I'm motherless. Being without a mother can be an incredibly lonely feeling. My mom's last heartbeat occurred on September 25, 2003 -- but most of her had died long before. Despite that being the case, her absence has been much more difficult than I'd ever imagined.
Death is so final to those of us still in this mortal existence. My belief is that I will see her again in another world -- but that's such a misty unknown here in the tangible realm.
When she was here, even if it were merely in a semi-existing manner, there was always hope. Hope that "this time" she would not leave...she would not abuse drugs...she would not try to kill herself...hope that maybe tomorrow she'd have a light in her eyes instead of that painful, lost child expression.
Publius Terentius Afer (195/185–159 BC) said, "While there's life, there's hope."
Not long before my mom died, I'd forbidden her from spending unsupervised time with my son. I told her she had to make a choice between us and the drugs -- and then I added that she needed to "get busy living or get busy dying." I actually said, "If you're going to continue on this path, please just get it over with instead of committing this slow, drawn out suicide that we all have to stand by and witness."
Obviously, I have some guilt over these words. I hope she knows I'm sorry for saying that.
I hope that she's with the Lord -- and I hope she can see that I've tried to do good, and to learn from her mistakes. I hope she knows she is missed, and that we all wish things could have been different. I've spent countless hours going over what I could have said or done to "fix" her. Everything is clearer in hindsight.
While there is life, there is hope. So for now, I have hope for the life I still have here, and hope that one day I will see her again.
Posted by Team Chastain at 6:12 PM